Your little monster

Most of the students I work with are wonderful kids. They’re polite, thoughtful, and motivated. If they ever misbehave, it’s usually something very minor, like talking during class. These are kids whose parents actively try to be good role-models. They establish boundaries, model good behavior, and stay involved in their child’s life. They understand that parenting isn’t an easy job, but they do their very best.

This post is not for good parents! So, if you’re a responsible parent, please leave now. There is nothing here for you. You may be disturbed by what you read, in fact.

Irresponsible parents with little monsters, read on…

To those religious parents who relinquish everything into God’s hands: your kid is not an angel. Taking your child to church doesn’t guarantee anything. You can’t just put it all in “God’s hands.” That’s called failure to take responsibility. I’m not dumping on religion. If you’re right with Jesus, good for you. I’m just saying that it doesn’t guarantee your child isn’t a little demon. That responsibility is in your hands, not God’s.

To those dippy parents who are easily fooled: your kid is fooling you. Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile. The same kid who told you last night that he wants to work with the poor or help injured animals is the same kid who just sang a vulgar version of a Disney song in my classroom and is now failing to take responsibility for his behavior. Your kid is more likely to be torturing animals than helping them. I’ve seen more than a few future serial-killers in my two decades of working with kids, and I think your kid is the stepping up to the plate to take the next swing.

To those lousy parents who didn’t want to be parents: guess what? You are a parent. Deal with it. It’s called birth control. Get some. Get neutered or spayed if there is any chance that you’ll bring another unwanted child into the world. Kids need parents. Without parents, they have no chance. If you aren’t being a parent to your child, then your priorities are all goofed up, and chances are good that your kid is all goofed up, too. And why is it that the worst parents are the ones who have the biggest litters? Take them tubes and tie ’em!

To the enabling parents: you should be in charge. You are not your child’s friend. You are your child’s parent. Your child is human, and your child will make mistakes. The last thing you should be doing is covering for your kid or making excuses for her when she vandalizes the girls’ bathroom. Take away her cell phone, at least! Show some backbone. After the parent-teacher conference, don’t take her out to dinner and tell her that nasty teacher is just out to get her. Don’t tell her you’re going to get that nasty teacher fired. And whatever you do, don’t tell her she did nothing wrong. Your daughter just took a Magic Marker and decorated the lavatory with bad diagrams of sex organs. That’s not normal. Get with the program! Wake up and smell the proverbial coffee. If you don’t, your daughter will be pregnant at 15, and it will be everyone else’s tax dollars that support her when she moves out to live with her 22-year old boyfriend who sells cell phones at the mall.

To the parents who don’t value education: that’s why you didn’t do well when you were in school. That’s why you don’t have a satisfying career. That’s why you resent people who use polysyllabic words. That’s why you can’t balance your checkbook. And that’s why your child is struggling in math. If the teacher sends home long-division problems, and you can’t help your kid solve them, your kid is the one who pays the price. Most importantly, if your kid knows you don’t value education, then why should they? They won’t. Then they’ll breed and have kids who don’t value education, and the cycle will continue.

To reiterate: most kids are good kids. Trouble is – the bad kids are the ones who take my attention away from the good ones. That’s not right. Be a good parent, and you’ll raise a good kid. It’s that simple.




Paraeducators: the good, the bad, and the ugly

Paraeducators, classroom assistants, teacher aides… whatever you call them, you will cherish them, tolerate them, or despise them. They come in all flavors, just like any other group of people.

Currently, I have a paraeducator who has literally rescued several students in one of my science classes from failure. Without her, I wouldn’t have the time nor the energy to work with them as intensely as she does. She truly cares about kids, and I don’t know what I’d do without her. I don’t have to ask her to do anything – she sees and knows what needs to be done.

I also have a paraeducator who helps out, but she doesn’t take much initiative. She’s not a self-starter. Her cell phone and novel are always on-hand, and if I don’t specifically direct her to do something, or if there is no obvious task to fulfill, she just reads or texts or Facebooks or whatever. When I’m busy in front of the class, the last thing I should have to do is tell a para that she needs to help pass out papers or keep one of the mouth-breathers on task.

And then… well… there are the paras who somehow stay employed because they know somebody important in the district. These paras have zero motivation, which carries over into other aspects of their lives, like weight loss. I actually asked my principal to assign one of them to a different teacher, because she just sat there with a vacuous grin on her face, using up my oxygen. Another showed up looking like a kid himself and needed me to show him how to do every last thing, which took my time away from the kids. The guy couldn’t walk and chew bubble gum at the same time. A third dressed like a 1970s disco pimp – chest hair popping out, leather vest, lisp, and body odor. Holy shit – you’ve got to be kidding me! I sure hope they fingerprinted that guy before he got the job…

A paraeducator’s pay is pitiful, and that’s coming from a teacher! However, anything worth doing is worth doing well (or at least decently). For those who aren’t motivated, maybe a few days in a fast-food establishment would help them appreciate their current gig.

Healthy cynicism and other stuff

Cynicism can be destructive, especially in the workplace. However, with the right approach, it can also be cathartic and entertaining. The trick is figuring out where that fine line is. I intend to stay on the cathartic/entertaining side of the line, but from time to time, I will probably mess up and step over it. Forgive me in advance.

I will attempt to refrain from using profanity. Sometimes, I will have no choice but to drop the F-bomb. I apologize in advance. Rest assured that I don’t use profanity in front of children, whether they are my students or my own kids.

When I was a rookie teacher, I was on a mission to help kids. I still am. I still like kids and I like teaching. However, a few things have changed over the past twenty years. The following is only a partial list of those changes.

  • I no longer define myself as a teacher first, before anything else.
  • I have learned to say “no” to extra responsibility.
  • I refuse to sell my soul to the job.
  • I’m much less self-conscious.
  • I am much more self-deprecating and have learned to laugh at myself.
  • I take sick days when I get fed up my students. Mental-health days, I call them.
  • I don’t gossip about any coworker to any other coworker. I take that stuff home to my wife!
  • I only grade some student work, not every last little assignment.
  • When 3:15 strikes, I go home as fast as possible. There is no overtime in education.
  • I don’t buy beer anywhere near where I teach.

Perhaps most importantly… I have learned how to laugh at some of the infuriating aspects of my job.

Where did all this change come from? How about three nervous breakdowns in twenty years, all of which occurred during the months of either October or November? All of which were initiated by the stresses of my job? And no, I’m not joking about this. When you have a nervous breakdown, you’re forced to reevaluate what is truly important in life, and I discovered that my job isn’t nearly as important as my sanity is!

Why did I break down? Obviously, I’m predisposed to it, because there are plenty of teachers who never do. Still… if you’ve ever been unfortunate enough to have a lousy classroom environment, bad curriculum, no classroom budget, aggressive parents, overbearing administrators, backstabbing coworkers, and/or poorly-behaved students, you know how easy it is for stress to snowball.

Changes in my outlook are also due to more mundane things, like learning the inner workings of a complicated educational system. Figuring out who you can trust. Identifying and placating lousy administrators. Realizing that you don’t have to take the first job offered to you. Pacing yourself and taking it one-day-at-a-time. Staying calm in the face of the two or three (or ten) misbehaving mouth-breathers taking up oxygen in your room. Etcetera etcetera etcetera.


I had a fantastic 6th period today. My students were engaged: asking questions, laughing at my lame jokes, etc. There is no buzz quite like teaching a lesson like that. Knowing that you’ve just taught an informative and engaging lesson that the kids truly enjoyed is the main reason I stay in this career. At the end of the day, after all the b.s. politics and flavor-of-the-month flash-in-the-pan pedagogy have been shaken off, it’s really just about my students and me. Everything else is superfluous.

Trouble is, it’s the superfluous stuff that winds up taking away a lot of a teacher’s energy from where it is needed most: the classroom. It seems to me that the people who come up with all the latest-and-greatest stuff (yes, I’m being sarcastic) are the ones who don’t teach. They’re the ones who have time and energy to generate a whole bunch more work for those of us actually in the trenches!

I’ve always wondered just how many employees in a school district never have any meaningful contact with students. We have giant class sizes, but also employ plenty of adults who don’t work with kids. The whole thing is backwards and top-heavy. The bus drivers, cafeteria workers, and custodians have more contact on a daily basis than a lot of people at the district office!

I’m not saying that the district administrators don’t care about kids. I believe most of them do. I simply mean that if you aren’t interacting with kids on a frequent basis, you quickly lose touch with the realities of education. Ivory-tower pedagogical “innovations” look great on paper, but in reality, many of them WILL NOT WORK in the average classroom. Drop class size by half and provide two more para-educators, and maybe a teacher could accomplish some of what they fantasize about.

The takeaway is that at the end of the day, it’s all about you and your students. That is what matters. I’ve learned to nod my head and later laugh at much of the other fluff that I used to take WAY too seriously.